Will Your Son Wind Up In Prison?

I had the unfortunate experience of serving a little over a year in federal prison. I took notes and have come up with what I believe to be a pretty accurate profile of a would-be inmate. To those of you who are mothers and fathers, this might explain a lot!

His name is Bubba
This one can easily be avoided. There are literally tens of thousands of other names to choose from. All you have to do is pick one of these other names. Caution: think twice about choosing a girl’s name – just in case. If you’ve named your daughter Bubba – why?

Has a hairy back
Sorry to say folks but its true. Prisons are full of hairy backed men. I don’t know if children with hairy backs grow up full of anger from the years of ridicule, and then work through the resentment by committing crimes? I’m just not sure. But you’d swear the Federal Bureau of Prisons has rounded up all of the “missing links” and locked them up.

He murders a lot
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but you might be surprised at how many people commit crimes and avoid prison.

He is loud
If your boy enjoys communicating at between 110 and 120 decibels during normal conversation, beware. Look on the bright side – he’ll get to kick it up a few notches once the cell slams shut. They like LOUD there.

He snores
We’re not just looking for a light rumbling snore. Here’s a little test: Assemble two 24 oz. slabs of raw prime rib (2 inches thick, min.). Take them to the car wash and pull up to the car vacuum area. Insert the hose halfway in between the two cuts of meat. Then, turn it on. The loud, percussive flapping sound that will be created as the air is sucked through the meat sounds exactly like that of an inmate snoring. Compare this with the timbre of your son’s snoring. Check!

He is an idiot
I’m not saying that your kid is doomed if he gets Ds or even Fs. I’m talking about the complete and utter morons. I’m talking about the stumped-for-an-answer-when-you-say-hello type of idiot. I know that this sounds harsh, but if you think your son might actually be a stupid idiot – just get it over with and call the cops. Tough love people.


I’m not suggesting that we pre-judge. I took advantage of a rare opportunity to conduct this research and now I’m sharing it with you. For me, only one of the above held true – I think.

Jerome Mayne is a public speaker delivering keynotes and workshops for conferences and conventions.  His topics deal with prison, crime and ethics.